How to effectively market to the undead using online tools
Let’s face it, the zombie apocalypse is right around the corner. Somewhere between the Ebola epidemic and Justin Bieber continuing to make “music,” it’s pretty clear that the world as we know it is on the brink of collapse. What’s next? I can only assume that an army of undead will start running roughshod through the streets, feasting on the brains of unwary citizens.
When the zombie apocalypse does happen, don’t despair. Zombies may have taken over your town, and modern civilization may have ceased functioning, but business goes on. This is no time to slack off on your online marketing. In fact, where others see only horror and catastrophe, you see opportunity. Am I right? You know I am.
As the world crumbles into a fiery ruin, you might be asking yourself, where are today’s online marketing angles? How can I promote my business to this evolving marketplace? Or, more specifically, how can I market to the exponentially growing population of zombies that have taken over the planet?
Well, you’re in luck, because SMO Pros has put together a few best practices for getting your message out to the armies of the undead. Pay attention, because these suggestions may be your last chance to survive … the next evolution of marketing.
Go where your customers are. Unless your customers are zombies. Don’t go there; they will eat you. What I mean is, go where your customers are virtually speaking.
Here’s the skinny: Zombies are social creatures. As documented in today’s leading scientific documentaries on the undead, including “The Walking Dead” and the “Resident Evil” film series, zombies typically travel in packs or “herds.” Clearly, they enjoy the company of other no-so-warm bodies. Studies show that this tendency carries over to their online behavior. Zombies love social media. In particular, they favor Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn for the professional undead, and SnapChat for the teenage flesh eaters. Female zombies are all over Pinterest. There are about 4 zombies currently active on Google+.
So, if your market is on social media, where should you be? Say it with me now: “On social media.” Don’t try to be all things to all people, but find your core group and speak to them on the platform that they favor.
Don’t be pushy. Survival in the post-zombie apocalyptic world requires you to be both aggressive and subtle, especially when it comes to marketing through social channels. Being aggressive yet subtle does not mean pushing your agenda on anyone who will listen.
Think of it this way: Zombies do not respond well to being pushed. Actually, they tend to eat the hands that push them. They react the same way to pushy sales pitches that invade their online space. Zombies are online for two primary reasons: 1) to interact with their friends and family, and 2) to find the latest hot spots for tasty human brains. If you start jumping in with your spammy messages about your undead deodorizer or rotting flesh skin cream, well, just watch your hands.
The key for all companies operating in the social space is to be sociable. Interact with your target market. Provide useful information. Talk about things that might be tangentially related to your products or services, but that aren’t direct pitches. Create a community, build trust and then you can start to offer solutions that fit their specific needs. It takes time, true—and in the zombie apocalypse time may be at a premium—but it works.
Think mobile. Do you ever see zombies just sitting around, staring at their computer screens? No. The undead are constantly on the move. And what’s the best way to reach on-the-move folks today? That’s right, mobile devices.
When crafting your online marketing strategy, make sure you consider the mobile component. That doesn’t necessarily mean creating an entirely separate mobile strategy—though it might. In many cases you can accomplish your goals through smart website design (such as running responsive sites) and by optimizing your social media messages, ads and other promotions for mobile display. Take advantage of the tools offered by the social media sites to preview your communications in mobile format. Make sure the key features on your site work on mobile devices. Avoid “hover over” graphics and buttons that are too small to be pushed by a fat finger on a skinny phone. So much of the mobile experience relates to how things display and function on mobile devices.
Don’t worry about Penguins or Pandas. Look, it’s the zombie apocalypse. This no time to get bent out of shape by blubbery polar birds or bamboo-eating Chinese mammals. In the same vein, don’t worry yourself about the various Google algorithm updates, which they’ve named things like Penguin, Panda and Hummingbird to, I don’t know, make them sound cute or something.
First of all, in a pinch a zombie will absolutely eat a penguin, a panda or a hummingbird. So just keep that in mind.
Second, if a Google algorithm update harpoons your online marketing strategy, then you’re doing something wrong. At SMO Pros, we hear from people all the time whose website traffic tanks after Google rolls out one of these updates. If that happens to you, then your SEO/online marketing company is likely engaging in some sketchy activities to drive up your traffic. This could be buying inbound links, setting up links from bad sources, spammy content dissemination to unauthorized venues, or other methods meant to trick Google. This is what’s called “black hat SEO,” and it’s the kind of thing that Google aims to root out with their algorithm updates. Trying to game the system is a losing endeavor in the long run. At SMO Pros we’ve had exactly zero penalties levied on our clients due to Google algorithm updates. Why? Because we play it above board and stick to good marketing fundamentals. We keep our heads down and do what needs to be done. That’s our survival strategy for the zombie apocalypse, and it’s worked so far!
Remember that Google is The Umbrella Corporation. You can’t escape Google. They are The Umbrella Corporation. They run the show. I’m pretty certain that they created the undead army in the first place, which they control via a complex and constantly changing algorithm. But that’s unproven as of yet.
What we do know for certain is that social media is inextricably tied to online search. Google’s goal is deliver you the most relevant, personalized, localized results for every search. That means your search engine results page (SERP) might include listings from social media posts and other online social interactions, in addition to standard Web or blog pages. Google has even recently started putting some of your Gmail messages into SERPs.
Moral of the story: Play nice with The Umbrella Corporation and The Umbrella Corporation will play nice with you.
And that, my survivor friend, is about the most you can ask for during the zombie apocalypse—it’s certainly better than the Jonses next door, who are currently the main dish on the zombie feeding frenzy du jour.
Happy undead marketing!
